Update!!

oh my gawd! finally, i was able to update my manga section. it took quite a while but it was worth it. i thought i wouldn't be able to but i guess i persevere. it gave me a bit of a headache though. by the way, the newly added manga titles has a mark in it so it's easy to spot. well, that's just about it. i think i need a nap. 

my life isn't really in shambles but i have to say it is pretty much in a limbo. it might not be by choice however, you could say that because of some decisions i had i ended up being stuck in this place. back then, i didn't actually mind. right now is a different story. 

i've never been the clingy type (well, i think so) but when i look at my life closely i did figure out that i actually am, not in the sense of intimacy or even on objects or even on people, more on stuff that i did not do. yes, this is where the "things-i-should-have-done" and "things-that-i-should-have-never-have-done" comes to mind. i seem to really get stuck on those regrets; regrets that i should have voiced this thought or regrets that i should have done this instead. they keep on running and running through my head that i seem to forget that i should be living my life as of right now. i so wanted to move on and forget about those but it seems as if that whenever i took a step forward after that i took one step backward in which i end up not moving at all. i end up having nothing and getting stuck. it is so hard and frustrating but i can't help it. i am aware of the problem yet i can't do anything about it. i wanted closure on some stuff in my life. i wanted it so badly i could taste it. 

i sure hope that one of this days, i'll look back at this and say: "finally". i promise myself that i will keep on trying until i succeed. so till then, i need to bear it.

Oppss.. I Forgot.

yay! finally i am able to post something in this blog. the truth is i already forgot that i have this one. i actually clicked a wrong button in my computer and suddenly.. tadan.. i rediscovered this. hahaha. how lame can i get? anyway, i have been quite busy with a lot of stuff this past months. been busy reading manga, fanfictions and books, which reminds me that i haven't update my accomplished or finished manga list yet. talk about being forgetful eh. i have to, really, remember that. oh yeah, i added another link to this blog, by the way. my own instagram account. so you people should check it out if you want and you could follow *wink* *wink*. anyway, that's it for the update. i should update a lot more, i think. i hope i remember.

It's Been a While.

oh la la.. it's been a while.. *eherm* okay, it's been what a year or so since i last posted here in my blog. as i've said before, i've been busy as hell as i've been since.. well.. forever..work was so hectic and i've been catching up with real life and stuff so i didn't have enough time to sit and think of what to type here. but, anyway, i promise myself that i'll be posting as much as i can since i may have a bit of time on my hands.

on a different note, i've been thinking that i probably should start writing again soon. you know, something like a fantasy fiction. i already have a concept on how the story will go so all i need is a day or so to sit down and think how to start it. lmao. well, i sure hope that everything will go according to plan. if not.. *grin* let's see how things will work.

♥ What To Do

 i've been thinking of shutting this blog down since i don't have much time to post. i've been quite busy with work so i can't update as much as i want to, not to mention that instead of randomly posting stuff which comes to my mind i've been creating poems this days. i'm hesitant to post those here since it's much more personal that doing this (haha). or if not a total shut down, it'll be hiatus. hmmm.. if i decided to do a hiatus or semi-hiatus, instead of posting twice or once a month, it'll probably be once every two months. ha! i'm not sure.. arggg!! well, whatever..

BUT i won't shut down my tumblr. it'll always be up and about. well, i even created another tumblr account. that one is much more private so i'll not be putting the link here. if you want to follow that one, you hafta discover that tumblr blog of mine. eherm.. that's all. oh yeah, i'll update my manga list one of these days before the BIG decision. wait for it.

♥ *Sigh* *Sigh* *Sigh*

 for some reason unknown to me, it seems that some people really gets angry at me. heck, i'm not sure if it's because of my personality or because of what i say to them. really, i'm not the type of person who's very argumentative. i just voice out my opinions from time to time and i admit that i usually joke around. they probably doesn't get my weird sense of humor but honestly i don't mean what i usually say. there are even times that i don't even remember what i said.

i'm tired defending myself so i'll say this once and for all: "don't take what i say too personally or if someone has any problems with me, say it to my face and don't post it publicly.. don't say it to other people.. SAY IT TO ME.. i don't mind receiving criticism. i don't even mind hearing a feedback. if this doesn't work for you then just ignore me or tell me that you find me offensive and i'll stop talking to you." it's much more easier than doing it behind my back, right?

♥ Someday.. Soon..

i don't know if i'll ever be done waiting. since it already became a habit of mine. someday, i'll probably move both my feet forward and not move a step back. so i'm just patiently standing by. i just keep telling myself that i'll forget the feeling or probably just remember it as a bitter-sweet memory. that day will come. i just know it, so i'll take my time.

♥ Second Entry for 2011

 i decided to add tumblr page in my blog. i'm still thinking of expanding this and add some more things. i'm still undecided on to what those things will be but i will absolutely add a page about the mangas which i've finished reading. i already have that in my facebook notes but that account is kinda private so i'll add one here. actually after this entry i'll start doing it. it won't be that time consuming anymore since i'm just going to arrange the one that i already have. what will be included in there are: title, type of manga, how many volumes and the rating.

anyway, on another note i'm still waiting for the result of the job that i'm applying for. i decided to get a job in my hometown instead of applying in manila. i just wanna try doing it here first then after a year or so.. well, we'll just see what will happen. harharhar. wish i'll get that job since the pay is good. looking forward to it. :) oh before i forgot, i just saw the civil service examination result. i was happy that i passed that exam even though i just randomly selected some of the answers. i think i just got lucky. lol.

♥ Welcome 2011!!!

wow, a new year. i'm actually looking forward to this. it'll be new beginning for me. hopefully, great things might happen and i do hope i'll be productive. hahaha. i'm excited. ;) anyway, we'll just see.

♥ Shocking. LOL.

 today is a totally different day. while surfing facebook i stumbled upon a friend's facebook wall (not saying whos wall is it). anyway, i just got curious and decided to read some posts there and it just shocked me. as in totally shocked me. imagine my surprise that this individual which i've known for a year or two actually say or more like write stuff like that. he's just am.. way too much cheesy for my peace of mind. *lol* i'm not really sure if that's the appropriate adjective to use but that's the only thing which comes to mind right now. i mean, i don't have anything against how he treats his girl but really he should have just said those stuff in private message, in person or even in private chat instead of putting it in both of their walls. oh my, but some of those stuff he said is way too personal to be mentioned where anybody could stumble upon it without meaning to. my perception of him totally made a 180 degrees turn because of all the posts he made. it's just utter mind boggling. he almost gave me the creeps. man, i don't know if i should tease him or scold him on what he said or had written there. he truly made this day unique.

♥ Holibelle Uncovered

someone asked me: "why are you using holibelle as a nick?" actually the username that i usually use is Raine, but since that name is so common, i had a hard time. whenever i sign up for forums and such that name was already being used so i was always asked to change it. i hate using numbers in usernames since there are times that i seem to forgot what numbers i did used. so one time while surfing for something to watch, i stopped at an anime channel (forgot what it was) and the show was Ah! My Goddess. the name Holy Bell (i think its Belldandy's Angel) was mentioned and that name got stuck into my head for some reason. then one day, while signing up for a forum i just typed that name as a username. well, i was asked again to change the one that i picked (hahaha. got you there) so i just change the Y into an I, added E to Bell and made the two names into one - holibelle. i was thinking that i'm gonna be asked to change it again for sure but imagine my surprise when i wasn't. the rest as they say is history. now, you all know why holibelle is stuck with me. however, i'm not sure why that name isn't popular. for some reason, whenever i sign up for something that name is always available and in the end, i end up using it. it's a blessing since i don't need to think of another username. hahaha.

♥ Feelings

there are times that i tell myself that it's okay, no need to take it to heart. some feelings just needs time to be truly known and some feelings has to be let go but feelings has never has been an easy thing to understand. feelings are fragile and a lot more complicated than i credit it for. like for example, i just laugh it all off when they tell me things about him. however, deep inside i know it hurts. it even hurts more when he just ignores me like i don't even exist. however, all i can do is to ignore the hurt and focus on the brighter side of life. i should be thankful that once in my life i've been a part of his and he has been a part of mine so i shouldn't be feeling quite pitiful. i should just smile and be strong. however, this doesn't mean that i'm gonna give up. it doesn't matter if nothing changes. all i know is that i'll stand firm and won't budge no matter what awaits in my future.

♥ Haircut

it's been about two years since i last had an haircut so i was thinking that it's probably about time that i had one. true, i love my long hair but i need it styled for this coming new year. eherm.. okay, i mean i need it for a new image or for a new beginning. well, i don't want it too short so maybe two to three inches will do. i'm still undecided whether i'm going to have bangs but i know that i want it colored. i think that mahogany red would suit me since i did have that hair color when i was in college and i have a feeling that it would really suit me. yeah, so i think i'll do that.

anyway, i just discovered that i can't hold that much liquior anymore. unlike when i was in college, i could best my college buddies in their we-should-get-drunk-til-we-pass-out session. now, i only can take about two to three san miguel light. if i drink much more than that.. well.. you don't want to know what happens. hahaha. that's what the price i had to pay for not drinking for almost three years. it's not that it's something bad but i think it's a good thing that i can't drink too much anymore.

♥ Back on Track

after of almost a week of sickness, i finally felt fine. it was one hell of a week since i am not the type of person who usually gets sick. amm.. to tell you the truth i seldom get ill so when i do it felt like all the sickness i was suppose to have just came rushing in one stroke. i feel as if i got thinner because of fever, flu and cough so i have to eat plenty just to get back into shape. well, not to mention that all my plans for this week was wreck. urggg.

another thing is that the site in which i usually download ebooks was shut down due to copyright issues so now i don't have any idea where am i going to download my books. i'm an avid reader so this is quite a problem. what utter bummer. on a good note, i found a site where i can download any anime series as much as i want so it's not a total wreck week. good thing cause i was thinking that this week was a total jinx. wahahahahaha! anyway, i started watching Prince of Tennis again just to avoid boredom and stared to reread Christine Feehan and Julie Garwood's books. well, things are turning out better than i hope for.

♥ Just So You Know

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's gettin' hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other away

This emptiness is killin' me
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Lookin' back I realize it was always there
Just never spoken

I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

this song just hit me right on the spot. but i did promise
myself that i'll shut my mouth before i say something
i'll regret. someday i'll just look at this and say
something like "good for you" or just laugh it off. well,
i sure hope so or die trying. xP

♥ Best Foot Forward

while doing some searching within myself, i've found the answer that i've been looking for. i won't hide anymore, i'll be forging up ahead. i think it is time for me to move forward with my own two feet. i won't hesitate anymore. if i stumble and fall, i'll pull myself up. i think it's time to look toward the future, i'll leave the past behind and i will not be looking back now. i've been deluding myself in thinking that i can change the past, now i know it can never happened.

in regards to my feelings, i am now surer than ever that everything i feel is true. however, i think that i'll just keep it to myself. i don't want to confuse him anymore since i know that he is already happy. some people might say that i'm being such a martyr but i found that his happiness is much more important than my own and i don't want to feel happy in expense to other people's pain. i know how it felt to be left behind, so i don't want someone to feel that same feeling. now I've realized that I’d rather have everyone hurt and betray me instead of the other way around.

♥ Memory Lane

while sitting in front of my laptop and listening to music i remember this senario i had with my cousin, Cecil. this happened when i was still in Qatar and i was still new to the place. since our work hours were different from each other and our work place were somewhat about 20-30 minutes walk from each other then i had to go home by myself (only noons) and sometimes the driver can't drop me home. she told me that we're gonna walk around with my other cousin Mark so that i won't get lost and i have to remember the landmarks. so yeah, we did walk around.. went to a nearby supermarket.. ate dinner and other stuff.. well, i was like looking around and trying to remember my way home nonchalantly. she kept on checking me out and was making weird faces and i was thinking that she probably thought i was just fooling around and not taking it seriously. but really, i had everything worked out in my head.. then we went home.

while we we're outside our place, both her and Mark were smoking.. she probably can't take it anymore and asked me if i can go home without their help now. i said, "yeah, pretty much.." she kept on asking if i really can and i kept on saying that i really can. then she asked me how can i, if i remember any landmarks which can tell me if i'm going the right way home. i said: "yeah, i remember a billboard and that tells me i have to go right.." she looked at me with disbelief written all over her face and then she asked: "what if the billboard was taken down?" i was like: "hell, i didn't think of that.."

the good thing was that the entire time that i wasn't familiar with Doha that billboard wasn't taken down.. the poster was changed a couple of times but the billboard wasn't removed. now that i think about it, my answer was pretty dumb. i don't know what i was thinking. but really it was quite hilarious.

♥ Digicam? hmmm...

i was looking through some of my friends facebook account when i saw some cool photos which they took. it made me so envious that i started taking pictures using my camera phone. i was rather irritated though that i wasn't able to take photos which satisfies me so it made me think that maybe i should buy a digicam. i might benefit from buying one so i probably should. i do like taking pictures of scenery and stuff, though i have to admit that i don't take photos of myself that much. hmmm.. it probably is a good idea so i'll canvas first and try some cameras before buying one.. yeah, i should do that, maybe my creative drive will kick again.

♥ Hopeless Feelings

this might be weird but the guy that i'm inlove with, i'm not really looking forward in seeing him after so many years. it's just that i don't have enough confidence to see him face to face especially now that he has someone else. i mean i already know that this feelings i have for him are bleak but i don't want it to smack me in the face and know for a fact it is d*mn HOPELESS. i know that it's unfair that i'm kinda like blaiming him for not returning my feelings back but i think that since i already acknowledge what i truly felt for him, it's my responsibility to keep it contained. i don't want him to feel guilty so i guess i have to avoid him and not to talk to him as much as possible.

on a lighter note, i had my picture edited. i like how it turned out. here it is..

♥ New Outlook

right now i think i have a much more positive outlook than i had in my entire life. i had a heart to heart talk with someone who probably is the most important person in my life and it somewhat made a lot of my hung-ups acceptable. true, things didn't turned out the way i hoped for but i was a bit happy. the thing is i realize that as long as he is happy, everything seems quite insignificant. it occurred to me that the person i was running away from is actually the person i've been looking for this entire time. how ironic for me to notice it when it's already too late. however, i think that i don't have any regrets right now. the only thing i can do for him is to become his shield.. his pillar to the best of my abilities. so, i'll just wait for him to settle down and be absolutely happy then that's the only time that i can move my best feet forward and truly make peace with myself.